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Death by SUV – Porsche’s had a killer year

Death by SUV – Porsche’s had a killer year

Dejan Jovanovic 2 weeks ago

Let’s just say the viruses, hurricanes and volcanoes don’t get us. Then the SUVs will finish the job…

If you too have wondered what happens when they run out of the alphabet for hurricane names, they keep on going with Greek letters. It’s just the strongest hurricanes that get named, and this year is the second time on record the Greek alphabet had to be used. The only other instance was in 1893.


A bit of wind wasn’t all 2020 threw up. Four million acres burned in California – that’s an area bigger than Qatar. In Australia the bushfires were bigger than Syria.

There were also 45 major earthquakes, and I hear there’s a deadly virus going around. In India and Africa even the locusts are out to get us. The other day I saw a pigeon tangled up in a branded shopping bag. Imagine that, a fashion conscious pigeon – what is this world coming to?

You’d almost think something strange was going on. And then it all started making sense when I heard the news: they’ve built the millionth Cayenne… The universe is all out of whack. We might be falling off the edge, the one tilted by the mass of the SUVs.

Of course, we leave it to hindsight for an explanation. It only took Zuffenhau… sorry, I meant Bratislava… It only took Bratislava 18 years to make a million Porsche Cayennes and 2020 was just the tipping point. Every time Porsche introduces a new nameplate, the core of their sports car world shrinks. And so it was last year, when the Taycan outsold the 718 Boxster and Cayman models. And honestly, Taycan, Cayenne, same thing, you know what I mean?

I understand, Levi Strauss probably didn’t intend for his miners’ overalls to become trendy. But old Levi didn’t account for Arnie and the Humvee. In the end, the customer really is king, and if we want silly cars we get silly cars. A million of them, dammit.

Seriously though, Porsche had a good year. Despite the killer locusts, the figure is over 272,000 units sold, most of them Cayennes. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a better umbrella.


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